Day 8: Thursday 15th June

Not been keeping up with this, but feeling more positive today, as seem to be making some headway with my data analysis. did feel very down yesterday, I missed something, becuause I didn't know about it, and then got an e mail about my PHD, all things to make me feel down.  But today, started again, got myself up and doing things.  #neverbeaten. #onedailypositive #livinginthehereandnow

Day 5 Monday 12th June

Its the Menace's birthday, he is 13! Gulp! We have a request for pies for dinner and due to the other half, that is able to be delivered.  Feeling calmer today, started on the analysis again #phd #onedailypositive #livinginthehereandnow #100happydays

Day 4 Sunday 11th June

Birthday party accomplished, one happy soon to be 13 year old.  Its been a weekend of busy baking, cake making and preparing for a bbq.  Lots of kids to feed and entertain for the evening.  Seems to have gone well, all are happy.  #onedailypositive

Thursday 8th June 2017

Been to the Dr's this morning, on the recommendation of the nurse on Monday.  High blood pressure. Had a little breakdown about feeling blue all the time.  She has set me back on the task of writing down my feelings and #onedailypositive.  I feel much better for being honest about it.  My #onedailypositive today is that I went and was honest. She said to make sure I don't just look after others, but treat myself, so finally bought some blue court shoes!  Thats #twodailypositives! #100happydays.

Day 173 #100happydays

I am struggling a bit at the moment, not a surprise, I suspect.  I find it hard to move forward, I try not to, but I hold on to old behaviours. Having just finished a holiday, which involved my family and my new life, not always a perfect mix, and then spending 4 days at my parents, grappling with my emotions of my mothers ever failing, but not so close to the edge, health, and my father's controlling behaviour, I have come home slightly angry with the world and I know I am being more assertive than I normally am.

This may not be a bad thing, but people don't like the dynamics to change and I am not sure it will be well received. I just feel fed up with being criticised, I know that is the way of the world, but it is draining.  I need to stop search for approval and enjoy just being me.

So I will!

Day 160 #100happydays

We are all together, it was my nephew's birthday yesterday and we had a big celebration.  I have been doing some thinking and resolving the issues in my head.  I sometimes struggle with whose life I am leading, my own, or others.  I don't need approval to be myself.  My brother got me to put the Menace on this sailing holiday after Kevin died, he thought it would be good for him to learn with his cousins.

Enjoying the sailing holiday, but recognising the limitations of this as an expensive hobby, and unless there is real commitment to it, the need to bow out.  The Menace is enjoying it, but is not as gung-ho as his cousins and maybe we need to find our own path for next year.  The cost is too much to carry on if not really sure that it is something you want to do.

The Menace enjoys the social side of this week, but not so much the sailing, so maybe it is time to invest time in something he would prefer.

However, to have got this far, has been a real accomplishment.

Day 155 #100happydays

I sit here in the peace of my holiday flat in Anglesey, happy to have the Menace back with me.  He has been on a PGL holiday and has enjoyed himself, he now wants a street surf and also did "zip wire three times!!" he told me, having said before he went that he would not do it.

However it was a mixed week, I missed him and he missed me and he learnt the dilemma about freedom and also having to be strong with difficult people.  I found the phone call mid week when he told me about the horrible boy, who apparently was mean to pretty much everyone, but made my boy cry by hitting his weakest point and saying "I'm glad your dad died!" very hard to take.  Needless to say, the Menace was moved out of a room with him.  He did enjoy himself, but learning to deal with bullies is a tough one for us all.

I'm proud of him for overcoming his fears of adventure, and also for sticking it out.  (another boy got punched in the mouth, and I get the impression he didn't have anything nice to say to any of them).  I am also proud of myself, for not just driving up there and dealing with it for him, even if I did say to them they needed to keep an eye, and they decided moving them to separate rooms was the answer.

Still, so happy to have him back, and yes he will do it again next year, but hopefully not with that boy.  It is good for him to have that time learning independence, even if I struggle with it.